November 02, 2009

Help! My Husband Won't Get Rid Of His Mistress

It's unfortunate that in some marriages wives have to deal with the 'other woman'. The other woman should be his mother, but that 's not always the case. Wives, marriage is not for the weak at heart or for the faint. You must be ROOTED in the word of God and have Christ as your solid foundation. There is more. We must walk in love, love the unlovable and be patience. How many are willing to do this in a marriage? So easy when everything is going well and your husband loves on you, but what about if he is loving someone else? Taking care of someone else mentally, physically, financially, and soul? Giving her the respect, affection, love, attention, conversation that you well deserve. All you may get is a hi and bye, and not even a peck on the check. Or the children get more love from your husband. Hurtfully, huh? No one wants to go through or deal with something like this, but there are a lot of wives who are.

First, you must be strong enough to stand for your marriage. The key is to ask God for more of His grace. Ask the lord to shield your heart and ask the Lord to love on you more. It's best to get your love from the one true love, God, and not something/someone else. Ask for strength to get through this season. Just know that there is victory at the end! Pray for your spouse as your brother, not husband. Deception may have the best of him now, but God will reveal and deal with your husband in His timing. Fast if the Lord is leading you to do so. This is a spiritual fight and you need to be sensitive to the voice of the Lord. If He says, praise, then praise, if He says fast, then turn down your plate, if He says pray in tongues, anoint your husband's shoes etc, then be obedient and do it!

Some husbands may want you to agree with his extra marital affair. There are even some wives who may even 'find' a woman for their husband's fetish and be okay with it. These wives mentality are, "I rather know who he's doing it with and know she is ......" I recall one relative of mine putting condoms in her husband's suitcase every time he would go away on a business or R&R trip. She said that she rather for him to be safe and not bring a disease home to her. Either way, it's still wrong and not pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Do not condone this behavior in anyway. Stand for truth and righteousness.
Just because you stay with your spouse doesn't mean you are agreeing with his affair. You are agreeing with the vows you took before God. You promised God that you will stay married and love, keep, honor your husband through the good and bad, through sickness and through strength, etc...So this is the bad. So don't let people or naysayers say that you are 'stupid, dumb' for staying in the marriage when it maybe evident that he has someone else. Walking in love is not always easy. You will know the true meaning of unconditional love when the season of infidelity is over.
Get in God's presence and surround yourself with positive uplifting people. During this time, keep your mouth shut! If you don't want to hear it being repeated, then close it.
Also, I deeply encourage to get the book, 'Power of A Praying Wife'. This book hit all areas concerning the husband. Remember all prayers you pray over your spouse will not return void! Prayer changes things *wink*
Then you need to allow God to heal your heart. Don't be quick to make a lifetime decision off of emotions. Calm down, stay calm and allow the Lord to love on you. He knows how you are feeling. The hurt, betrayal, anguish, anxiety, pain, confusion, fear, insecure, doubt, alone and the list goes on....please release all those negative feelings and receive God's peace, love, healing, security, clarity, and all of whatever you need. Fear not! For God has your best interest at heart. Let this time allow you to draw closer to God and watch Him bring you out. No, it's not an overnight process, it takes time. If you are willing, then God can do so much more for you and your family. Don't fight your husband because all that is going to do is push him away further. Just allow God to use you and show him love.
If your husband wants a divorce, then be still. If the divorce papers are there and he wants to be free, then you must release him. If this is the case then be free and just know that it's not over til God says it's over. Remember, don't allow the devil to use you. Do what God will have you to do. He'll give you the want and desire to love your husband again. Trust me, I know.....
Yours truly,


Michael Kleder said...

Wow Its been Nice to read this, Extra-marital affair have been a long standing problem in our society, Its a double edge sword.

Myne Whitman said...

This post hit the nail right on the head. Very helpful and well reasoned out. Thanks for sharing A.

Lady A said...

@Michael, it's a choice and we must stand for truth and righteousness!
@Myne, hey dear! Thank you, I hope wives may get something from it.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is that I am so blessed to have read this post!! I had been reading blogs, and articles and posts ALL day long, and to finally come across a post that has weaved the MOST important aspect of any relationship--Jesus! I've read, "Leave Him!", "Once a Cheater Always a Cheater." I'm going through this situation, this is the 4th time that I've caught/confronted him but believe he has cheated throughout our 25 years of marriage, but I LOVE THAT MAN! There's this song by Anthony Hamilton, "I'm a Good Man, But I'm A Cheating Man," that describes my husband. He goes through bouts, and I deal with him and the situation. He eventually stops the extra marital relationship and we move on. The only thing that's brought me through this is Jesus. Otherwise we would've been divorced years ago. The thing is that my husband, is such a loving man, he has such a generous heart, a caring and compassionate soul a gift for helping others, which I think sometimes leads to his demise. Which I believe is the case with this current relationship. Her husband was placed in jail, and she's left as a single mother, who almost lost her job due to her husbands fraudulent matters and here come my Super Hero Husband to the rescue. He's an attorney, and was their attorney in this case and helped them out tremendousley of which they all became pretty close friends of our family. Obviousley a little too close. It seems different this time, as my husband, although I have confronted him about it and we have had numerous emotional battles over this situation, he denies he has a relationship with her..I text her, saying that if she could confirm that she has stopped seeing my husband, that I would love to forgive her. She responded with, "I'll only apologize for the confusion of you thinking there was anything going on." Although I've seen his texts and listened to voicemails and they seem to be in love. I think I'm in trouble this time. Although, after my husbands and my battles, he has seemed to come around, and is very loving. Yet, if she gets to him first, he will ignore my calls and texts and every opportunity he gets, he goes to see her, and will make excuses of why he's got to be somewhere after hours, sometimes not coming home until 11 p.m.

I know I'm at fault for this. I'm sure he's figured, "he's done before (several times) and I didn't leave him, what makes this time different?" I'm a sap. All he has to do is smile at me and I melt. Yes, even after 25 years, I love that man more and more everyday. When it's good, it's REALLY good, and when it's bad, it's REALLY bad. The the good FAR outweighs the bad. So, I'm back at square 1 and trying to win my husband back. But like I said before, I'm a little scared, this time seems different. This woman is gorgeous, she looks like a Barbie Doll, she's smart and 20 years younger. I'm an old fart. After 25 years, I can't eevn compete with such beauty. I need Jesus, and I need Him Bad!

Lady A said...

@Anonymous, First and foremost you are not an old fart. It's good to know that after 25 yrs of marriage you are head over heels in love with your husband. I commend you for forgiving him, that is so vital in any relationship. All I can say is that you need to pray/intercede for your husband. He needs to be delivered from women. Everything that God will have you to see will be unveiled, but you be at peace and everything is going to unfold. Pray for his soul. As we all know, doing good deeds is not going to get us into heaven. His soul is on the line and he's playing with fire. While you are praying for him, you get yourself a new look. New color eyeshadow, sexy tops, workout more, etc....
Not for your hubby, but for you because you will feel better and you need to stay on top of your game regardless of what. 'Power of a Praying Wife' is a book by Stormie Omartian that I HIGHLY recommend. It covers ALL areas. This will help you. I understand that feeling of "this time it feels different," as you mentioned. However, you are not at fault, he is, not you. Stand for your marriage and get the book. Omg, it's going to help you in so many ways and him. Remember, God answers prayers...the prayers you pray will not return void and that's a promise from will reap a harvest of what you been praying for in your marriage and it will be a testimony for the both of you. Stay encourage and I hope I was of help.

Anonymous said...

@Lady A-Thank you. Your messge was very encouraging. I had in fact purchased that book 'Power of a Praying Wife' is a book by Stormie Omartian. In fact I ready through it, highlighted prayers, then ended up giving to another one of my good friends that was going through the same thing. I may need to re-purchase it.

I confronted him again last night. It's such a tough thing to do when we're getting along SO wonderfully, and loving eachother, but it was still heavy on my heart, and I wanted him to know that, although I have decided to work through this, to help make our marriage work, I am NOT okay with his still seeing this other woman. I finally laid it on the table telling him to end it with her, and if he doesn't, then he's ending it with me. He still denies there's anything going on, even though I told him "I know about the voicemail, I've seen the lipstick on your lips and cheeks" he still denies it. It's driving me crazy. He continues to tell me that "There's nothing to end." He says that "he'll never leave me or end it with me," but still will not say that he'll end with her. I've ruffled up our relationship again, because I keep bringing it up, when it seems as if we're doing better. I'm so afraid that I'm going to be the one to push him out the door. I know I'm right, but I still don't know what to do. Do I not allow him to touch me until I know for sure that he's done with her? I can't even breathe right without his touch. I'm always the one giving in to him, wanting him, needing him in my life, almost to the point of where I just might agree to his extra marital affair, just to have him and to get along.

Thank you for your kind ear, and your kind words and I pray for you and your ministry of this blog.

Lady A said...

@Anonymous, the more you chase him with this issue, the more he will push away and seek her. Or the more you accuse him (even though you know something is going on), all that is going to do is give him more reasons to talk,text, and spend more time with her...get what I'm saying?
At this point you need to back up and not bring it up anymore. Yes,yes, I know it's going to be hard but if I did it, trust me, you can too. When this is done and if something is going on then over time he will get/be sloppy and leave hardcore evidence of his extramarital affair. THEN, you can bring it up..and he won't be able to run or deny. Right now, just be cool, calm and quiet.
You need to return to your first love which is Christ.
In a way, you are idolizing your hubby...repent and ask the Lord to fill you with more of His love and peace and whatever void that is there.
I understand how you feel and yes it is difficult, but you have to remember it is a spiritual fight so you have to fight with spiritual weapons (prayer, praise/worship, fasting, confessing the word over your husband). No man is worth going to hell over, so it's best not to come in agreement with don't want hell to break loose in your home (the last comment you made 'I just might agree to his extra martial affair just to have him and to get along).
You will get through this, and allow the Lord to show/help you through this season in your marriage. Don't be surprise if God wants to work on you first....just allow him to build you up. His way is the best way.
But if you try to take matters in your own hand then you will mess it up and probably be in a deeper/bigger hole....and you'll be looking like the crazy woman. We don't want that!

Thanks again and I hope all goes well....

Anonymous said...

Amen Lady A! You're right, and I know the Holy Spirit lead me to you. Thank you Jesus, and I Thank you. After I wrote you yesterday it was like a peace came over me, and I decided exactly that..."I'm done." I'm done with discussing it any further with him. I have exhausted every emotion and plight to help him see and know exactly how I feels, what I know, and whats NOT okay. The ball's in his court now. Now I need to trust in the Lord, and pray that my husband makes the right decisions. I've got to move on and try to get this relationship healthy again, strong again.

You're right again about my idolizing him. I need to Come back to my first love. This may be the whole reason The Lord allowed this happen.. He was not first. Ouch. I pray that the Lord will forgive me and will help me grow in Him and in my husband. I have a strong hope and faith that the Lord will make it better than it ever was, once we get back on path.

Again, I Praise God for you Lady A and your ministry. You have blessed me tremendousley and I am praying for you and yours.

Lady A said...

I'm happy for you and and don't get discourage in this process....that was unrealistic of what I just said...don't give up, just stay focus and let God complete you...give you a spiritual makeover. Value yourself more and love more on you. See yourself as God sees you, and the outer appearance will change. You will have a glow that you won't be able to explain but you will know it's God!
Walk through this season WITH God. Don't let the devil steal your testimony either because others who are going through in their marriage are going to need to hear your story.
So complete the journey, God has already equipped you...if I can do it, you can too!
Again, thank you for your kind words and I'm here for you and other wives.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Just came across this blog and this is like a dream come true!! I have always wanted to be a blessing to other wives, relationships by encouraging others to hold on no matter what and it is amazing to see someone else who has gone through maybe almost the same things that I have been through is blogging to minister the same! Thanks and may God keep you, your testimony pure and great always. I also pray that the Lord will perfect your health and keep you and yours!

Anonymous said...

I can not believe what I am reading. Is this somehow a time warp and it is the era of Mad Men where wives can't divorce without shame? Why in the world would you stay with a man who disrespects and disgraces you like that??? I do understand people make mistakes and couples work through things yes, but affairs over and over and omg you are going to die if you can't get be near him??? Go to a therapist and work on your self esteem and dump the cheating jerk!!! What in the world are you women thinking????

Brooke Rohan said...

Take it from me anonymous. I allowed my man to bring the mistress home, and only so I could have him. I love this man and will do n e thing to keep him. although I am unhappy n hurt he will not let her move out. I am 13 years older then her and I feel as if she our child not as an equal partner he wants her to be. I am loosing him because I aloud this devil in my home. After reading this blog today I realize God is the only one that can help him come back to his family I have been with him for 13 years and we've been through almost every situation described in previous comments. I felt as if this was the only way to keep him but I failed to realize till I saw this blog that he never truly left me and was never planning on leaving. She would already been out of our lives if I never wouldof allowed her in my I ask you now to one learn from my mistake and two please pray for me I just want my family back and the days are getting darker the more she stays here

Anonymous said...

This is my testimony, I was living in the darkness and I couldn’t move forward or gain anything in life such as friends, money, promotion and again my lover just broke up with me. So I came to and he worked a spell on me and my lover, getting back my lover was the most important thing I was after, this spell worked like nothing I had ever seen in my life. We are now back together and I’m happy now and free. I went to so many spell caster to help me but priest Fred was the one who could cast the real spell for me, all my problems are solved.