October 01, 2009

What Would Prompt Infidelity Aside from Sexual & Emotional Needs?

Q: Enlighten me; outside of sexual & emotional needs, what else would prompt infidelity. I have been thinking, & I easily classify all factors that come up into these 2 categories alone. e.g. Respect. That falls under "emotional needs" class. If too personal to respond, please email me. What would prompt infidelity aside from sexual & emotional needs.

Dear M, here is a list I came up with that would prompt infidelity other than lack of sexual/emotional needs:

Having a sexual addiction is not only a stronghold, but it's no different then drug and food addiction. No matter how much sex you are having with your spouse, it's never enough. There are many different reasons of this behavior, however the common root of this addiction is pornography! It's like an illness. Husband maybe addicted to women. No matter how good you satisfy you spouse in bed, how well you cook/clean, spoiling him, wearing all the sexiest lingerie, respecting him, treating him like a KING/BIG BOSS, if they are an addict of sex/women, then it doesn't matter how good of a wife you are. Trust me, I know. I am personally a victim of this. I did everything for my husband but get him a mistress. He was addicted to WOMEN! For years I thought something was wrong with me, even though my husband would brag how 'good' I am in bed, I took care of his needs, ie attention, love, respect..but yet he would continue to cheat on a regular basis. I have tried everything and new things, but it didn't work. That's when the Lord showed me that it's an addiction/stronghold and I have to pray. Long story short over 10yrs, my husband is now delivered from women/sexual addiction which came from the pornography.

I always heard how low self-esteem has a part of infidelity. People have told me that he was cheating because he was insecure of himself. I never believed that because I thought it was foolish. If someone is insecure or has low self-esteem, then WHY would you be promiscuous? I have heard my hubby say "A, it was never you, it was me, I was insecure of myself and my self esteem was low."

This is where the favorite phrase, "having your cake and eat it too". Some men just do it for the THRILL of it all. The excitement, sneaking, the anticipation of it all, it being adventurous or whatever excuse anyone else can think of. This type man's mentality is "It's nothing like having a wonderful wife at home who does it all, or half and having a mistress on the side". Another favorite phrase would be, "I wonder do I still have it?" Some would actually try and talk to a lady just to see if they still have "IT". This could also lead into infidelity because the brakes may not have ever been applied.

No intentions to cheat whatsoever, but it may lead to sex with co-worker or friend. This is unsuspecting and was supposedly no harm done to the spouse, however that is not the case. This too could be a prompt of infidelity.

Some cheat because their spouse has cheated on them and they want revenge (I can relate). So the root of this would be hurt. Common phrase, "you hurt me, now I'm going to hurt you back." Personally, that was my motto, and I did just that and regretted. When one doesn't have closure over infidelity, then that insecurity and paranoid feeling is still there. Watch it, because if that door isn't closed (having closure and your spouse assuring you their love, trust, etc..) then someone else will give them that security and it could lead to something else.

Some spouses may have the attitude of, "Get them before they get you" mentality, or "I rather cheat first before they cheat on me." Take it to the Lord if you want help. It's up to you and you are responsible for self regardless of what your spouse may or may not be doing.

One may feel empty and try to fill it with alcohol, food, drugs, porn, sex and the list goes on to fill the void.

Husband may be on another business trip. A long business trip.... He has a wonderful wife at home but he still have needs. There maybe a nice looking woman (or not) in his hotel. They have small talk, flirting begins, small touches start, sexual jokes, and now husband is in too deep!

So as you see, sometimes it's not always a lack of emotional and sexual attention with a cheating spouse, it goes further and only the wisdom of God can give you revelation on what to do. I am a standing testimony that the word of God is true and prayers changes things! Hope that answered your question.


Mike said...

Thanx Golden Wife! I appreciate the time & energy you put into this. I learnt something new just as I expected.
When I have a question to answer, I look around me for answers. Low self-esteem in men never came up as a possible reason for infidelity but you showed me proof here that it is.

Lady A said...

No problem. You would be surprise at some of the reasons why people cheat. Either way, it's still no excuse. I wish you well!

Anonymous said...

hey, thats good reading. But i think you left out constant 'jabbring' from us wives. Seriously, sometimes, I think my constant venting on my husband might scare him off but he just refuses to compromise with my needs and I feel if I cant tell him how I'm feeling, then who else cos our mariage problems are not supposed to go out,right? It gets frustrating! :)

Lady A said...

Thanks Anonymous! Yeah, that constant nagging can push someone away, however I believe it could be listed under 'emotional needs'. That's why I didn't list it. It's hard not to nag and jabber, especially when they are doing what they are suppose to.

I totally understand how you feel and been there and it still happens from time to time. You must pray and ask God for guidance. He sees and knows all so why not go and vent to God. Sure enough the Lord will show you answers. Keep your husband in prayer. Praying not what you want, but what God want. I encourage you to to purchase the book, "Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Ormartian. You will get the right prayers for any area in your marriage.